Cal Poly Pomona and San Luis Obispo University Forums - View Single Post

ak · 10-06-03, 02:06 PM

I found this documents long time ago online. I do not have the link to the source.

-----------------------------------------------
If you missed the first day of classes...
I wrote a quick syllabus for every class in every University in the World, for anyone who may have missed classes on the first day of school. Your Auntie Shannon is here to take care of you. Enjoy!

Welcome to [insert class name here]! I am [insert professor's name here] and I will be your instructor. I should probably point out that last quarter, this class was called [insert slightly modified class name here], so if you're here to learn about [insert minute detail here] you're probably in the wrong class and may want to change your schedule.

I will be making myself available in the form of office hours. You can find me in [the basement of your department building, next to the hot water heater]. My office hours are [insert any time you have another class here] at at 3 in the morning at Bob's diner downtown, where I will be studying [insert pretentious professor studies, such as translating a poem from Latin, here].

The textbook. See that textbook you have there? That's the wrong book. Please go to the bookstore ASAP and pick up [name of obscure book here], which I wrote. It costs $80.00, and it is a new edition, so there will not be any used copies. If the bookstore is out, you can special order it from [your local bookstore] at twice the price. Did I mention I wrote one of the books for this class? Oh, and that other book, the one that the bookstore didn't have, it's a great book by a brilliant author, however you may find that I have philosophocal differences with the way he/she presents [insert issue here] which will become apparent in my lectures, making it totally uncertain what you need to know for the final.

Oh! The final. There's two tests in this class, each worth 50% of your grade, so if you bomb the first one, don't even bother coming to class for the rest of the semester because you're just going to fail anyway. Don't ask me about extra credit, I don't offer any. Did I mention that I wrote the textbook? It won some awards.

The ADA requires me to know if any students in my class have disabilities that may hinder them in an emergency evacuation. If you have a disability, please notify me so in the case of an emergency, we can throw you out the window.

Academic dishonesty? You miserable little f*cks, if I catch any one of you cheating I'll kick your little punk a**. Don't even think about it. I'll see that you work at McDonald for the rest of your life. Oh, did I tell you guys I wrote the textbook?

Are there any graduate students in here? Well, the University adopted a policy last year that madates pure hatred for all graduate students. In addition to two humongous tests, you will have to have a fifty page term paper. Please be ready to hand in a rough draft by Friday.

Well, I think that covers everything. Remember, this class is not hard unless you make it hard. Have a good day!

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-ak

10-06-03, 02:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
ak Cal Poly Guru Joined: Oct 2003 Location: LA Posts: 605	If you missed the first day of class... I found this documents long time ago online. I do not have the link to the source. ----------------------------------------------- If you missed the first day of classes... I wrote a quick syllabus for every class in every University in the World, for anyone who may have missed classes on the first day of school. Your Auntie Shannon is here to take care of you. Enjoy! Welcome to [insert class name here]! I am [insert professor's name here] and I will be your instructor. I should probably point out that last quarter, this class was called [insert slightly modified class name here], so if you're here to learn about [insert minute detail here] you're probably in the wrong class and may want to change your schedule. I will be making myself available in the form of office hours. You can find me in [the basement of your department building, next to the hot water heater]. My office hours are [insert any time you have another class here] at at 3 in the morning at Bob's diner downtown, where I will be studying [insert pretentious professor studies, such as translating a poem from Latin, here]. The textbook. See that textbook you have there? That's the wrong book. Please go to the bookstore ASAP and pick up [name of obscure book here], which I wrote. It costs $80.00, and it is a new edition, so there will not be any used copies. If the bookstore is out, you can special order it from [your local bookstore] at twice the price. Did I mention I wrote one of the books for this class? Oh, and that other book, the one that the bookstore didn't have, it's a great book by a brilliant author, however you may find that I have philosophocal differences with the way he/she presents [insert issue here] which will become apparent in my lectures, making it totally uncertain what you need to know for the final. Oh! The final. There's two tests in this class, each worth 50% of your grade, so if you bomb the first one, don't even bother coming to class for the rest of the semester because you're just going to fail anyway. Don't ask me about extra credit, I don't offer any. Did I mention that I wrote the textbook? It won some awards. The ADA requires me to know if any students in my class have disabilities that may hinder them in an emergency evacuation. If you have a disability, please notify me so in the case of an emergency, we can throw you out the window. Academic dishonesty? You miserable little fcks, if I catch any one of you cheating I'll kick your little punk a*. Don't even think about it. I'll see that you work at McDonald for the rest of your life. Oh, did I tell you guys I wrote the textbook? Are there any graduate students in here? Well, the University adopted a policy last year that madates pure hatred for all graduate students. In addition to two humongous tests, you will have to have a fifty page term paper. Please be ready to hand in a rough draft by Friday. Well, I think that covers everything. Remember, this class is not hard unless you make it hard. Have a good day! -------------------- -ak